OK, I’ve been watching these song contests since 1967. Love ’em.


Here’s my rating of the final songs this year, with irreverent comments attached (apologies to the performers who all tried hard, well done!)

1. DENMARK: Only Teardrops – Emelie de Forest (finished 1st)

Love the military drums & flute, the dramatic performance, and a great song. Far and away my favourite this year, and so obviously the hot fave to win. FAB!

2. UK: BELIEVE IN ME – Bonnie Tyler (19th)

Shaky start but yay for Bonnie: I’ve got £50 on this to finish Top 12. (NB Doh!) Ah well, great song, well done Bonnie (NB and yah boo sucks to the BBC who need to go for young acts and hit songwriters, we have hundreds but they don’t want to pay for the contest. Not bitter…!)

3. NETHERLANDS: BIRDS – Anouk (9th)

A grower, this sounds better the second-time around, actually a good song albeit in a miserable style. Affecting and classy.

4. NORWAY: I FEED YOU MY LOVE – Margaret Berger (4th)

Thumping dance love the intro. A good strong club song, nothing cheesy about it all and a contender. Excellent.

5. RUSSIA:WHAT IF – Dina Garapova (5th)

Lyrically a bit daring (and sort of laudable in an Imagine vein), a strong song and unquestionably a contender to win. Most frocks this year inspired by Nana Mouskouri. Really good.

6. MALTA: TOMORROW – Gianluca (8th)

Aah, so sweet you just want to cuddle him and the sweet song. A Diary Of Horace Wimp for 2013, and anyone that can convincingly put risk assessment and IT into a song deserves points. Fab.

7. SWEDEN:YOU – Robin Stjernberg (14th)

Gets going a minute in, the record is better than his weak vocal. Not a bad pop record. A tad gay though, and we know how eurovision loves gay when dishing out votes (as in

from here-on I can’t be bothered to look up the acts and songs, countries only!

8.  GEORGIA: (15th)

duet. Not many of those these days. Right out of a musical climax, OTT finale. Very OTT. I like it!

9. FRANCE: (23rd, boo!)

More than a whiff of Courtney Love in appearance, but at least her Hole wasn’t on show (NB name of her band). Like the dress, like the guitar riffs, like the performance, like the song. It’s too “rock” to do well, but it’s good, of course, it’s France, they are always good, always unpredictable.

10. ITALY:  (7th)

No gimmicks for Italy. Ever. Bless ‘em! They let the song and singer do the work. Nice eyes, nice voice, nice suit. A classy strings ballad, how can I not like it!

11. FINLAND:  (24th, boo!)

Funny, amiable, poppy number. The songs not that great but it’s catchy. Likeable. Ding dong! Will do well. (Note: oh no it didn’t!)

12. BELARUS:  (16th)

Tassles-dress and big (mirror) balls. Cha Cha Hey Cossack disco. I like it, she’s got a big voice too. Singalong.

13. UKRAINE:  (3rd)

Politically incorrect “Giant” is a gimmick mistake. The cameraman likes her arse. Comes over a tad over-confident, though she is a good singer, and the “Dancing Queen” rhythms are good.

14. BELGUIM:  (11th)

Simon Le Bon lookalike with a monobrow (almost) does One Direction. I like his voice, he seems more mature than 18 and the song writing pedigree (UK of course, why would the BBC feel the need to hire current UK hit songwriters and risk winning) is impressive. The hook’s a bit weak but a solid pop song.

15. ICELAND:  (17th)

Got the lead role in Jesus Christ Superstar when people kept seeing his massively long hair and exclaimed “j*sus chr*st!” Good singer actually, nice melody, not bad.

16. AZERBAIJAN:  (2nd)

His “shadow” in the glass box is even fitter than he is (NB and explains the runners-up position)!. Good singer, well dressed, oddly appealing though it’s a trifle mundane.

17. ESTONIA:  (20th)

aah traditional Eurovision singalong. Bit foggy down below (NB stage mist was a must unless fire is already being used to liven up a dull song). Song’s not as good as she is.

18. ROMANIA:  (13th)

Opera falsetto disco. Doctor Who villain outfit, and really going for it. Clubbily catchy, no idea how this will do!

19. IRELAND:  (26th – last place!)

Leather-clad semi-naked men, gay disco number. The singer carries it off but as gay traditionally bombs in Eurovision, clearly the Irish TV want to pay to host even less than the BBC….

20. SPAIN:  (25th)

Latino bagpipes – didn’t see that one coming! She sounds nervous poor dear. A song of 2 halves, 2nd half a decent rocky singalong. I like it but the ample bosom and legs wont be enough to gather many votes.

21. GERMANY:  Hit pop star Cascada (21st)

There’s a bit more of her than was on show on her fab UK no. 1 Evacuate The Dancefloor! Not as good as her big hits. Hits. Pumps along nicely though.

22. HUNGARY:  (10th)

Still hasn’t washed his hair since the semis, apparently (woolly hat still in place). Or shaved.  Inoffensive acoustic ditty but just doesn’t grab me.

23. ARMENIA: (18th)

One suspects Black Sabbath fans got together to vote this through (Sab’s Iommi wrote it). If Ozzy was singing it it might sound good. The guitar solo made me weep with nostalgia for a bygone age. Another British songwriter who finished higher than the BBC’s choice – to be fair Bonnie’s was a great song, it’s just voters prefer young people on the whole.

24. MOLDOVA:  (11th)

Erupting with hair gel. I wish she’d explode over the annoying dancers. Not a bad song. Not a good one either. Votes will largely be for the gimmicky massive volcano dress.

25. GREECE:  (6th!! People like fun, obviously)

Pogues meet ska Greek piss up in kilts. Would prefer it if they weren’t wearing kilts. No, really! Energetically ramshackle.

26. LITHUANIA:  (22nd)

if this was any more wooden he’d have woodpeckers knocking holes into his very pretty head. Dull. If this goes Top 10 I’ll eat my hat.