Eurovision Song Contest 2018

An irreverent review of the final…

I wanted Finland to win because it was far and away the best song, but obviously voters and judges have cloth ears!
I wanted Israel to come clucking last but expected them to win, or Cyprus, as the hype machine was in full force and 12-year-olds love chickens.
Ratings out of 100 because I don’t do silly 3.45 type marks out of 10.
The acts and songs followed by running comments during the comp…
1.    Ukraine | MELOVIN | Under the ladder:
2.    Spain | Amaia Romero Arbizu and Alfred García Castillo | Tu canción:
3.    Slovenia | Lea Sirk | Hvala, ne!:
4.    Lithuania | Ieva Zasimauskaitė | When we’re old:
5.    Austria | Cesár Sampson | Nobody but you:
6.    Estonia | Elina Nechayeva | La forza:
7.    Norway | Alexander Rybak | That’s how you write a song:
8.    Portugal (defending champions) | Cláudia Pascoal | O jardim:
9.    United Kingdom | SuRie | Storm:
10.    Serbia | Sanja Ilić and Balkanika | Nova deca:
11.    Germany | Michael Schulte | You let me walk alone:
12.    Albania | Eugent Bushpepa | Mall (Hass’ favourite entry):
13.    France | Madame Monsieur | Mercy:
14.    Czech Republic | Mikolas Josef | Lie to me:
15.    Denmark | Rasmussen | Higher ground:
16.    Australia | Jessica Mauboy | We got love:
17.    Finland | Saara Aalto | Monsters:
18.    Bulgaria | Equinox | Bones:
19.    Moldova | DoReDos | My lucky day:
20.    Sweden | Benjamin Ingrosso | Dance you off:
21.    Hungary | AWS | Viszlát nyár:
22.    Israel | Netta Barzilai | Toy:
23.    Netherlands | Waylon | Outlaw in ’em:
24.    Ireland | Ryan O’Shaughnessy | Together:
25.    Cyprus | Eleni Foureira | Fuego:
26.    Italy | Ermal Meta and Fabrizio Moro | Non mi avete fatto niente
UKRAINE:
The Undead Rises! Wasn’t he in Twilight? Quite a dramatic beaty dance bop to open the show, and it sounds much better on second hearing. Great Balls Of Fire! 78/100
SPAIN:
A nervous lovey-dovey sweet couple, and oh so gorgeous, but lacks the class and originality of Portugal’s winner last year. Nice though. Very nice. Nicey Mcniceface. 55/100
SLOVENIA:
Percussive drum n base overload, but that suits me as the short hook sounds all the better for it. The backing dancers all modeling themselves on Ariana Grande, clearly.  70/100
LITHUANIA:
Minimal gentle vocal and piano, a bit of echo and a hint of strings. They couldve provided a chair so her frock didnt get dirty sitting on the floor! Awwww sweet, I like her husband. 60/100
AUSTRIA:
Nice oil platform. He’s a great soulful singer, better than his Aunt Pepsi, very fit, good-looking and awful paddling pool trousers. Very Rag’n’Bone Man and now-sounding, one of the best in the competition. 91/100
ESTONIA:
Opera and a frock that never glittery ends. More Rentacircustent than dress. She’s got a great set of pipes on her. Now she can fill the whole arena without a microphone, flawless vocal! Not sure of the song, but awesome performance! 65/100
NORWAY:
Alexander’s back with another Fairytale, not so much violin pop so much as violin jazz this time. He won’t do the double, awwwww! He had me till the shoobedoo dab dab’s. The instrumental bits are way better. Good though. Still looks about 16. 80/100
PORTUGAL:
Bit of bad luck drawing after Norway, as it sounds instantly depressing. probably the lyrics are important, but I dont speak Portuguese and can only judge the tune and vocal. Meh. 35/100
UK:
This sounded fab when she did it just her and piano, so the song is quite strong, Storm might blow itself out in the votes but it’s pretty catchy. Coming over all Annie Lennox, which can only be a great thing….and then a twat spoils it, SuRie recovers with attitude if vocally shaky, what a trooper! 84/100
SERBIA:
Jerry Garcia on recorder! One for Deadheads there… Calling everyone to morning prayer with a mellow techno-beat I think. The twat who invaded the stage could have done it during this one and no-one would have noticed… 45/100
GERMANY:
Imagine if Ed Sheeran was better-looking and less whiny. Just as sentimental though, sadly. The ending will sell it to the masses but it leaves me feeling a bit queezy. 40/100
ALBANIA:
He’s got the vocal range, a bit Journey “Don’t Stop Believin’” in a shrill clappy way. Eastern Europe seem to like this sort of retro rock, Western Europe moved on long ago. I’m middling. 62/100
FRANCE:
Worthy subject-matter, another married couple, and as classy as French entries always are, and as unpredictable as ever. It’s good, and a good finish. 81/100
CZECH REPUBLIC:
Harry Potter goes Olly Murs via Jamie Cullem jazz stylings. Cute. Nice he brought his lunch box with him in his back pack. I won’t lie to you, scatman John is with the groove. 68/100
DENMARK:
Game Of Thrones! Didn’t they have their hair in pony-tails in the show? Fingers-crossed for a dragon at the finale! Very much in the rousing drumming folk ballad style, something I’ve never been able to resist. Nice tune, good performance. 74/100
AUSTRALIA:
One of 3 acts I already knew before the contest. Great she’s not a skinny white blonde. As all Aussie entries are, classy, and decently-performed. How can a country that’s largely empty do so well year after year, say, compared to our crowded nation’s token efforts. Answer: they are enthusiastic about Eurovision and the BBC isn’t!  86/100
FINLAND:
Saara Aalto rules for me this year, bought this months ago, as a recorded record, the best in a few years for me. Hope it does really well. Love Ya Saara! Lyrically fab, great performance, great singer, fab tune, fab sentiment. 100/100
BULGARIA:
Men in buns. Just NO! So wrong. The black bloke with short hair can sing, should have done it solo. I mean it still would have been a dirge, but at least a well-sung dirge. 50/100
MOLDOVA:
AKA the Comedy Nation. Jazzswingbeat whimsy. I mean it’s rubbish retro Eurovision, but kids will enjoy it. Maybe 5-year-olds, 6 tops? Hard to believe this is not the most banal bit of rubbish in the contest. It’s not though. 30/100
SWEDEN:
No, Benjamin, Dance YOU off. His cousin’s a big star in dance music, his aunt has Eurovision credentials, and he’s trying to be Justin Bieber and Justin Timberlake simultaneously. It’s really nice, good pop, he’s got pop appeal, the girls will love him, but it’s too subtle to do well. It’s fab though. 88/100
HUNGARY:
Headbanging thrash screamers. I mean I like the basic sound, and the performing energy. It’s a shame they didn’t have a song. Could have been fab if they’d had an actual song in there somewhere. He’ll have a sore throat afterwards mark my words. 42/100
ISRAEL:
Enormously popular this one. Like a clone Bjork who has lost her talent and jumped headfirst into novelty chickentechnodance. Laid an egg for me. 7-year-olds will adore it. Tragically doomed to win or runner-up. It’s. Just. awful. In every way. Cluck off! 25/100
THE NETHERLANDS:
Common Linnet goes solo, and all country rock, and it’s rather fab. Shania Twain has loaned her coat circa That Don’t Impress Me Much. Yee haw! More than a touch of Guns ‘N’ Roses in the vocals. 82/100
IRELAND:
Well done getting China banned from viewing. It will be remembered for that. Not for anything else much though. Pleasant and well-meaning, he’s a lovely lad, but a bit offtune Westlife for me. 46/100
CYPRUS:
Fuego. Or Phwoarago if I know some of the comments. Pulsing, rhythmic dance anthem with added Turkish sounds for interest, it is really very good pop that could easily make it on European radio. Prob a winner. 94/100
ITALY;
Another worthy song. Italian lyrics always do it for me, but again same problem with social commentary songs – need to understand the lyrics so it’s left to the vocal and tune to carry it. Passionate and earnest but not a winner, though being on last will help. 64/100

 

My results:
1. Finland 100
2. Cyprus 94
3. Austria 91
4. Sweden 88
5. Australia 86
6. UK 84
7. France 82
8. The Netherlands 81
9. Norway 80
10. Ukraine 78

Denmark 74
Slovenia 70
Czech Republic 68
Estonia 65
Italy 64
Albania 62
Lithuania 60
Spain 55
Bulgaria 50
Ireland 46
Serbia 45
Hungary 42
Germany 40
Portugal 35
Moldova 30
Israel 25

 

For the actual results:

https://eurovisionworld.com/eurovision/2018

 

I will note that Finland and Israel results have been reversed, clearly illegal voting from internet bots have fixed the result!

 

In terms of UK music fans (as opposed to voters) the following day itunes chart sales were:

 

6. UK
21. Israel
27. Cyprus
30. Germany
32. Ireland

34. Denmark
40. Australia
44. Sweden
48. Austria
53. Netherlands

61. Lithuania
72. Czech Republic
74. Norway
(90. Portugal 2017)
92. Finland
97. Czech Republic (ESC version)
and a few duplicate versions between 101 and 200 plus others

By my reckoning total sales the next day on itunes UK record purchasers liked
(1. UK)
2. Cyprus
3. Israel
4. Germany
5. Denmark
6. Ireland
7. Czech republic
8. Australia
9. Sweden
10. Austria
11. Netherlands

So people who vote as usual for more novelty or sentimental entries usually dont bother buying the tracks afterwards:

televote:

1. Lithuania
2. Ireland
3. Cyprus
4. Israel
5. Bulgaria
6. Czech republic
7. Moldova
8. Germany
9. Denmark
10. Australia

 

I don’t have Spotify plays data but I expect Israel, Cyprus, and possibly Finland would do much better with the younger audiences there…

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